I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
