I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
