You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
you will always have a special place in my vag
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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