Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
