I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
