Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
