Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
