At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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