Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
