she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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