This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
