im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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