In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
