some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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