Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
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