I'm going to jail i love you
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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