I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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