John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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