Why does Corona taste like a burp?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
