Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
