I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
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I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
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Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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