I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
