I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
