I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
