my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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