i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
