I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
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