okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
