I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
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