my phone needs a breathalizer
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
