my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
