Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
