Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
there is glitter all over my balls
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
