I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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