well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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