"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
