I think I won the penis lottery.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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