I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
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I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
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I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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