You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
