i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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