It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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