i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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