HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
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