And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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