I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I just found puke in my bra..
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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