You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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