4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
