in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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