someone get that fucking seahorse.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
