i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
