Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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