in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
