things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
