Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
is that a dick in a sweater?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
