you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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